So many thoughts running through this head of mine...

Tomorrow marks my 37th week of pregnancy. I must say I am fatter, hotter, tireder, and hungrier, and more emotional than I ever was with Gage. I haven't seen my toes in quite some time, I sweat...even in the cold, I could sleep for days and still desire more, and if I eat another box of cereal they will have to rename "Lucky Charms" to something different. I was emotional with Gage, but it was a different emotional. This time it is a...

-how is my heart going to be able to love two children

-why did our health insurance have to change NOW

-do I nurse, do I pump, do I just SCREAM instead

-how rough will the recovery be for C-section number 2

-how long will I stay in the hospital

-will I get all my lesson plans finished in time

-even after Carter comes...and my body takes its "new normal" shape...will I then see my toes?

-are all the bottles/pacis/bibs, etc put in the right place

-are all of Gage's toys put in the best place for him to get them when he wants them

-will Gage take on the role of big brother quickly and love it

-and these are just a few of my DAILY thoughts...no I am not kidding.

To look at me and many times to hear me talk you may think I am a laid back, role with the punches, let the chips fall where they may kind of girl...however...that (as you can read above) is not the case. Even after everything we went through with Gage and all of the lessons I learned, I still thrive on CoNtRoL. I like to see the ins and outs, and I like the final picture...now! I like things organized and I like things my way. I have come to learn lately that this stems from insecurity and if you know me at all you also know that I don't like to admit that I have any of those. I do though, as does every man, woman, boy and girl who breathes...

Thankfully though, here enters my husband.

-how is my heart going to be able to love two children

how could it not?

-why did our health insurance have to change NOW

be thankful we have it...there are many who do not!

-do I nurse, do I pump, do I just SCREAM instead

you try your best and if it doesn't work out, we make a new plan

-how rough will the recovery be for C-section number 2

rough or easy, I will be there to help you, you will not be alone.

-how long will I stay in the hospital

we will soon find out

-will I get all my lesson plans finished in time

what doesn't get done, doesn't need to get done

-even after Carter comes...and my body takes its "new normal" shape...will I then see my toes?

I will love you no matter what

-are all the bottles/pacis/bibs, etc put in the right place

babe, you could (and will) move them ten times and ask yourself the same thing

-are all of Gage's toys put in the best place for him to get them when he wants them

he will not go without

-will Gage take on the role of big brother quickly and love it

we will work together to make him feel included...he will love being a big brother

What do women do who aren't as blessed as I am? When everything is running 90 to nothing in my head and nothing makes sense...in walks Chris Brown. He is cool, he is calm, and he is collected. He thinks through what needs to be said, but says it nonetheless. He is selfless and a very devoted family man. He reads God word and does His best to apply it in every area of his life. He doesn't know that I notice his every step, move, and word, but I do. I have since we were college sweethearts. God has brought him a long way as a spiritual leader and to Him be all the glory. Chris and I can say a lot, or say nothing but still be on the same page. We like tradition, we like routine and we like to work together as a team. I will ask the above questions 5 million more times, and will get the same responses from my sweet husband...and he may even crack a smile...but even if he doesn't one thing is for certain...I love him more than anything in this world. I love that he gives me that look when it's time to be quiet, or to be still. I love that he is fearless and confident that everything will work out. I love that he loves me no matter if I can see my toes or not. I love that Gage loves him and that he loves Gage. I love that they spend time together, and so often laugh so hard it makes my heart smile. Above all of these things though I love that God saw it fit for Chris and I to meet and fall in love a little over 9 years ago. God allowed us to find the church we found, land the jobs we did, buy the house we bought, drive the cars we drive, and make the family we have made. You see, without God all of this would be meaningless. It would just be life...but He came to give us life abundantly. He constantly blesses us far beyond what we deserve, and how dare I, pregnant or not, lose sight of what He gave up so that I could live this abundant life?

Thank you God for children, insurance, options, hospitals, jobs and "stuff" for you are God of all of these things too. Please constantly remind me of the big picture. You are God and I am not. You know all and I need to remain on a "needs to know" basis. Thank you for my husband and best friend. Thank you more than anything for your son, and my relationship with Him. Help me not to live like those who have no hope, but to walk with a confidence that only comes from you.

Two weeks from tomorrow my heart will double (as I have learned from all my facebook friends) and all of the things listed at the top of my worry list will fade away. I am excited about that day and am thankful that you are allowing Chris and I this awesome responsibility of raising another boy. You are too good to us, and we love you, and we acknowledge that all good things come from you!

34 weeks and 6 days...

It was on this night during my pregnancy with Gage that I was admitted to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. I was 3 cm dialated and 75% effaced...this little boy was coming soon. 5 weeks early. Mom and I are waiting and praying for Chris' plane to land and he's trying to get to me as fast as he can. He makes it...we have our last childless night...Gage will come tomorrow. Many of you know how the story goes...the next morning I abrupted and the doctor called for an emergency c-section. In a nutshell, Gage was born, had surgery 5 days later, recovered and grew, and 5 weeks after that we headed to Milledgeville. God performed a miracle!

My point?

Anything that happens after tomorrow morning around 7:30am will be all new for us. It's already been a whole new ball game with Carter...no plane rides, no weekly sonograms, no life or death birth defects, no...etc but after tomorrow I will be "pregnanter" than I have ever been before. That, to me, is a miracle! Chris and I were a little gun shy for a while about even having another baby, but God was sweet enough to allow us to get pregnant again. He's been sweet enough to let us stay close to home, and I know He'll be sweet enough to see us through.

Carter is breech, and we are praying that everything goes as smooth as possible with his birth, but one thing is for certain, God has gone before us, is with us, and will follow behind us! Isn't it just like our gracious and merciful God to be the same God of "normal" pregnancies that He is of "at risk" pregnancies. The God that spared, protected, and healed Gage Brown in Philadelphia is the same God who will watch over his little brother in Macon. How comforting! I sure do love our God.

Carter...come when you are ready. Your daddy, mommy, and big brother are ready to meet you. I know that God can and will handle your how and when, just know that we are anxious to hold you, smell you, give our God praises for you. These things I write about tonight, my sweet boy, reminds me that we are blessed beyond belief!