It doesn't happen often...but...today...

I broke down and CrIeD! A good, hard, tears running down and mascara streaking your face cry. Right there in the middle of my classroom. My students had gone home and my belly was full from lunch, and as I sat in silence my mind just started running...

Today was my last day as a kindergarten teacher. This is the only grade I have ever taught, and I have taught it for eight years now. I am confident that I will be fine in first grade, and love it... but for today...I cried.

Today was my last day as team leader in kindergarten. If you know me, you know that I LOVE to be in charge-or to at least think I am. I know that God has some MAJOR life lessons in store for me in the areas of humility and control...but for today...I cried.

Today it hit me that my classroom is an absolute MESS. Again, if you know me, you know that I have some major OCD issues. Color coded OCD issues. If you walked in my room right now-you know why today when I looked around-I CRIED!!!

Tomorrow will be my big boy's LAST day of Day Care. Man what a blessing The Learning Safari has been to our lives. It was an answered prayer during an uncertain time for us and we are so thankful. Although Gage has that weird September 4th birthday and will only be doing the 3 year old program at Head Start...it is still big school which in turn means he is getting big...and that makes me cry. Happy/sad tears, but tears nonetheless!

Tomorrow Gage leaves for the beach after his last day of day care. He went for a few days last year with his grandparents, but I know this year he will be more comfortable away from home and want to stay longer. He will spend the next two nights with his "Adda" in Harlem (Georgia) and then off to the beach to meet up with his "Namaw". I am so very thankful for these opportunities that he has, but you guessed it, for today, it made me CRY!

These things are not huge or life threatening, but they matter to me, and right now, to me, they seem huge. In the midst of my tears God said... Come to me. Talk to me. I want to hear all about it. Cry out to me. I care. It matters to you, it matters to me. He reminded me that He is not surprised by anything going on in my life right now...He's not even surprised that I have said "I'm fine" when on the inside I am a basket-case. He also reminded me that even though it seems blurry sometimes, HE is ultimately in control of ALL things. He gives and takes away. He guides and then provides. He equips the called, He does not call the equipped.

I do not need to look horizontally for approval, but only vertically.

He whispered these sweet things...

Teaching is simply a tool I have given you to reach children and their parents for Christ. I (God) am not limited to kindergarten and neither are you.

You have lost sight of who is ultimately in control of your life. You are not in charge-contrary to your own thought processes-and it's time you sit back for a little while and give ME back my rightful place.

Your classroom-is just a room. You will have time and you will make time to get it ready for the next group of children that I have already chosen to be under your care. They will be more concerned that your heart is right than if your red, green, yellow, and blue baskets are alphabetized and in order.

I did provide that opening for your family at the Day Care that day. I did that. I did that because I love you, but also because I love Gage. I love Him so much that I gave the life of my son. I love him so much that I made a plan for his life before he was even born. Every day when he wakes up and takes a deep breath-organs in tact-remember ME. I did that too. He is going to love his new school too because guess what? I am there too!

He is about to have the time of his life at the beach. He will have days and days of undivided attention and will love it. He will be ready to come home when its time, but until then, know that this is time he will cherish, as will his grandparents. You need the rest too. You need time with Chris and also with Carter. More than all of your boys though, you need time with me.

He whispered...Lauren, I am before all things, and in Me all things hold together. Hold your head up high, wipe those tears from your eyes, and you remember whose you are. Tighten up your boot straps and know...I love you.