After all was said and done...

11 days ago my heart did indeed grow!

There are no words to express the deep love I have for not one but TWO boys! Everyone was right. It just happens. God just does it. He gives you love for both children...immediately! What's more...not only did he give me an immediate love, he gave Gage one too! I am overwhelmed by the perfect, sweet, and innocent love Gage has for Carter!

It started out as a "normal" day. As normal as it can be with a 9 pound baby sideways and backwards and in your rib cage. Thursday (the 12th) marked my 39th week of pregnancy and a scheduled C-section for 12:30 sharp was in place. Well...it wasn't exactly 12:30. We arrived at 11:00 to find out there was "no room in the inn" and we would just wait in the OB assessment area. There they decided to go ahead and prep me for surgery. It got to be about 12:00 and my rather large self was getting anxious and irritated because time was drawing near and I was not fitting so nicely on this "bed". The nice lady comes in to tell us we have been bumped and the hope is that we will be able to go in at 2:00 due to two emergencies that had arisen with other patients. For a BREIF second, Chris and I remembered being the emergency c-section with Gage, but then we both were snapped back into the here and now when I started having contractions. WHAT? Contractions? This was going to be one of the perks of a repeat c-section...no contractions, no labor pains, etc...well, they started and continued until 3:00 when I finally got my epidural. I realize that I am a MaJoR wimp, but those things hurt! It took a while to get my epidural because of the contractions and because of the medical student who was putting it in place. Finally...all numb...ahhh much better. From behind the curtain I see smoke and ask the doctor if I want to know why it smells like burnt popcorn...Chris just smiles...and the anesthesia guy says...no ma'am, you don't want to know! So the c-section proceeds and what seems like 5 seconds later, Carter is pulled from my belly...all 9 pounds and 4 ounces and 22 inches of him. We get to see him right away...no tubes, no beeping, no heart monitors, no breathing machines...just pure God given grace...right there at our fingertips. They take Carter to get washed up and they take me to recover and before long Chris, Carter, and I are all in the recovery room together. As soon as they declare me ready for a regular room, off we go, my baby in my arms. He is not even an hour old and already I get to hold him...this must be Heaven. We get to our room and are surrounded by family and friends who will NEVER know how special it was to spend this very special time with them. My favorite time though, even more than holding Carter, was holding Gage AND Carter.

He was so proud and excited, and in an instant, he grew up.

Today, as I sit here with Carter, on our first date alone, I am in awe! I am in awe of...

-God

-family

-friends

-provisions

-perfect timing

-the human body...mainly due to nursing

-LIFE!

God, may I never get tired of singing your praises and telling others how blessed I am...

yes...blessed beyond belief!!! It's not because we deserve it, but it's because you are so good!

You are going to be a great big brother!

Dear Gage-

Hey sweet boy! You have been heavy on my mind and heart these past few days as the time draws near for Carter to come. As you know- or understand the best your little three year old mind can- he will be here on Thursday. This "knowledge" you have has contributed to some major crying fits, clinging to us every spare second, and constant worry about daddy and I "leaving" you. I am super emotional too, and to see you so upset breaks my heart. As I have talked to friend after friend they say we are both perfectly normal to be so upset. I just want you to know how excited I am about you being a big brother. Gage, you have so much to offer Carter. You have so much to teach and show him. You are such a sweet, smart, and fun loving little boy, yall will not be able to help but fall in love with each other. Long term I can envision many wrestling matches, tents being built, and spend the night parties in your room. For the here and now I can envision you holding him, feeding him his bottle, reading him books, and making sure he is well entertained. You have such a sweet spirit and I know once we make this big transition as a family, it will seem as though he has always been here.

Guess what little buddy? This is hard for me too. It's just been the three of us for over three years now. I've never had to share my time with anyone else. I've never had to juggle both juice cups and bottles. I've never had to change diapers and make sure you were making it IN the potty at the same time. I say all that to say this...your daddy and I will have to make adjustments in our "world" too. One thing I have learned though is that I will have PLENTY of love for both of you boys. I have been told that my time will be divided, but my love will be multiplied. The closer Thursday gets, the more my heart believes what my ears have been hearing. I don't think either of realize how blessed we are...think about all the people who love us and are going to help with this new phase. First and foremost is our God. He, after all, is the one who formed Carter and created his every detail. After that we have your daddy. Gage Brown, your daddy is the best there is. He loves us more than the breath he breathes and I don't know what we would do without him. If they weren't enough we have your four AMAZING grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, Church family, and friends. You and I are in the most ideal situation possible. Your Pap reminded me of this very fact this morning.

So, what do you say? Let's take a deep breath and jump! You, daddy, and me! What a team! One day at a time, moment by moment, let's all be there for each other. Gage, your daddy and I love you so very much. We are so proud of the little boy that you have become, and the big boy you are becoming. We are excited to see what God is going to do in your life, and how he is going to use you to make a difference in Carter's. We are blessed to be your parents...blessed beyond belief!

So many thoughts running through this head of mine...

Tomorrow marks my 37th week of pregnancy. I must say I am fatter, hotter, tireder, and hungrier, and more emotional than I ever was with Gage. I haven't seen my toes in quite some time, I sweat...even in the cold, I could sleep for days and still desire more, and if I eat another box of cereal they will have to rename "Lucky Charms" to something different. I was emotional with Gage, but it was a different emotional. This time it is a...

-how is my heart going to be able to love two children

-why did our health insurance have to change NOW

-do I nurse, do I pump, do I just SCREAM instead

-how rough will the recovery be for C-section number 2

-how long will I stay in the hospital

-will I get all my lesson plans finished in time

-even after Carter comes...and my body takes its "new normal" shape...will I then see my toes?

-are all the bottles/pacis/bibs, etc put in the right place

-are all of Gage's toys put in the best place for him to get them when he wants them

-will Gage take on the role of big brother quickly and love it

-and these are just a few of my DAILY thoughts...no I am not kidding.

To look at me and many times to hear me talk you may think I am a laid back, role with the punches, let the chips fall where they may kind of girl...however...that (as you can read above) is not the case. Even after everything we went through with Gage and all of the lessons I learned, I still thrive on CoNtRoL. I like to see the ins and outs, and I like the final picture...now! I like things organized and I like things my way. I have come to learn lately that this stems from insecurity and if you know me at all you also know that I don't like to admit that I have any of those. I do though, as does every man, woman, boy and girl who breathes...

Thankfully though, here enters my husband.

-how is my heart going to be able to love two children

how could it not?

-why did our health insurance have to change NOW

be thankful we have it...there are many who do not!

-do I nurse, do I pump, do I just SCREAM instead

you try your best and if it doesn't work out, we make a new plan

-how rough will the recovery be for C-section number 2

rough or easy, I will be there to help you, you will not be alone.

-how long will I stay in the hospital

we will soon find out

-will I get all my lesson plans finished in time

what doesn't get done, doesn't need to get done

-even after Carter comes...and my body takes its "new normal" shape...will I then see my toes?

I will love you no matter what

-are all the bottles/pacis/bibs, etc put in the right place

babe, you could (and will) move them ten times and ask yourself the same thing

-are all of Gage's toys put in the best place for him to get them when he wants them

he will not go without

-will Gage take on the role of big brother quickly and love it

we will work together to make him feel included...he will love being a big brother

What do women do who aren't as blessed as I am? When everything is running 90 to nothing in my head and nothing makes sense...in walks Chris Brown. He is cool, he is calm, and he is collected. He thinks through what needs to be said, but says it nonetheless. He is selfless and a very devoted family man. He reads God word and does His best to apply it in every area of his life. He doesn't know that I notice his every step, move, and word, but I do. I have since we were college sweethearts. God has brought him a long way as a spiritual leader and to Him be all the glory. Chris and I can say a lot, or say nothing but still be on the same page. We like tradition, we like routine and we like to work together as a team. I will ask the above questions 5 million more times, and will get the same responses from my sweet husband...and he may even crack a smile...but even if he doesn't one thing is for certain...I love him more than anything in this world. I love that he gives me that look when it's time to be quiet, or to be still. I love that he is fearless and confident that everything will work out. I love that he loves me no matter if I can see my toes or not. I love that Gage loves him and that he loves Gage. I love that they spend time together, and so often laugh so hard it makes my heart smile. Above all of these things though I love that God saw it fit for Chris and I to meet and fall in love a little over 9 years ago. God allowed us to find the church we found, land the jobs we did, buy the house we bought, drive the cars we drive, and make the family we have made. You see, without God all of this would be meaningless. It would just be life...but He came to give us life abundantly. He constantly blesses us far beyond what we deserve, and how dare I, pregnant or not, lose sight of what He gave up so that I could live this abundant life?

Thank you God for children, insurance, options, hospitals, jobs and "stuff" for you are God of all of these things too. Please constantly remind me of the big picture. You are God and I am not. You know all and I need to remain on a "needs to know" basis. Thank you for my husband and best friend. Thank you more than anything for your son, and my relationship with Him. Help me not to live like those who have no hope, but to walk with a confidence that only comes from you.

Two weeks from tomorrow my heart will double (as I have learned from all my facebook friends) and all of the things listed at the top of my worry list will fade away. I am excited about that day and am thankful that you are allowing Chris and I this awesome responsibility of raising another boy. You are too good to us, and we love you, and we acknowledge that all good things come from you!

34 weeks and 6 days...

It was on this night during my pregnancy with Gage that I was admitted to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. I was 3 cm dialated and 75% effaced...this little boy was coming soon. 5 weeks early. Mom and I are waiting and praying for Chris' plane to land and he's trying to get to me as fast as he can. He makes it...we have our last childless night...Gage will come tomorrow. Many of you know how the story goes...the next morning I abrupted and the doctor called for an emergency c-section. In a nutshell, Gage was born, had surgery 5 days later, recovered and grew, and 5 weeks after that we headed to Milledgeville. God performed a miracle!

My point?

Anything that happens after tomorrow morning around 7:30am will be all new for us. It's already been a whole new ball game with Carter...no plane rides, no weekly sonograms, no life or death birth defects, no...etc but after tomorrow I will be "pregnanter" than I have ever been before. That, to me, is a miracle! Chris and I were a little gun shy for a while about even having another baby, but God was sweet enough to allow us to get pregnant again. He's been sweet enough to let us stay close to home, and I know He'll be sweet enough to see us through.

Carter is breech, and we are praying that everything goes as smooth as possible with his birth, but one thing is for certain, God has gone before us, is with us, and will follow behind us! Isn't it just like our gracious and merciful God to be the same God of "normal" pregnancies that He is of "at risk" pregnancies. The God that spared, protected, and healed Gage Brown in Philadelphia is the same God who will watch over his little brother in Macon. How comforting! I sure do love our God.

Carter...come when you are ready. Your daddy, mommy, and big brother are ready to meet you. I know that God can and will handle your how and when, just know that we are anxious to hold you, smell you, give our God praises for you. These things I write about tonight, my sweet boy, reminds me that we are blessed beyond belief!

Thanksgiving...2011

This year I am: thankful to, thankful I can, thankful for (a)...

T- trust my God who has saved me and who never changes.

H- home...not just a house...a home.

A- antacids...namely Zantac...its been a lifesaver lately :)

N- new baby bedding placed in "old" baby furniture...Carter will be here soon!

K- kisses...from both of the boys in my life!

S- singing hymms to Gage every night as he falls asleep.

G- grace...period!

I- intercession...others for me, and me for others.

V- vision...thanks Andy for taking a leap of faith and starting "life groups" at SBC!

I- intelligence...that I pray leads to wisdom...and Spiritual wisdom at that!

N- nurturing environments...The Learning Safari (Gage's school) is a daily answer to prayer!

G- Gage Brown...what a blessing he is to Chris and I and to so many others!

It's more than just "I do"

On Saturday Chris and I celebrated 6 years of marriage! And so the saying goes, time flies when you are having fun! One thing I have learned along the way, however, is that there is much more to making a marriage than saying the two simple words "I do". It's not really the "saying them" part that can be so difficult, its the "meaning them" part.

Marriage 101 from the Brown's house...

Having a marriage is much more important than just being married. I think anyone can get married, but to stay married you have to want to build a marriage!

Marriage for us isn't just about "I do", but its also become...

I will...

talk, listen, be there, pray, laugh, cry

I won't...

assume, walk away, quit, give up

I can...

depend on you, grow with you, see our son in you

I can't...

cook every day, keep the house spotless, be a size 6, have unrealistic expectations

I love...

our memories, our present, our future, our family time

When hard times come I...

stand in the gap, cheer you on, encourage you, pray, believe when nobody else does

When good times come I...

rejoice with you, am proud to be your partner, smile!

At the end of the day...

there is nowhere else I would rather be than laying beside you

Chris Brown...

It is my hope and prayer that when Gage and Carter grow up they will look back on their childhoods and they will see how very blessed they were. I pray that they will say...

Mom and dad...

loved God

loved each other

loved us

loved people

loved our church

and loved their jobs.

Mom and dad...

were a team.

lived out their faith.

took church with them wherever they went.

made time for us boys.

taught us what matters in life.

showed us what marriage is all about.

I have big prayers and expectations for our boys, and I am learning it starts NOW! God has blessed us with a huge responsibility to love and raise them according to His plan and purpose. How grateful I am to be faced with such a huge challenge with such a great husband. In our short six years you have done things that would make most men walk away. You have seen the good, the bad, and ugly, and yet you still remain. You take my OCD personality and deal with it in stride. You let me give my opinion...even when its ridiculous. In my eyes, you are fearless. In your eyes, there is nothing we can't face as long as we have God's help. You are so quiet, but yet can be heard over 100 men talking all at one time. You say so much to other people and many times you do this by saying so little. You make my day at work a better one because I know when I get home I get to spend time with you. When our boys are grown and gone, you are who I want to grow old with. I get excited when I think about us doing things together, and with our boys, as a family. Gage and Carter have some mighty big shoes to fill, and for that I am also thankful.

Happy 6 years babe...these have been the best years of my life. Not every one of them an easy one, or how I may have planned it, but they have been just right for us! I look forward to the next 6, 16, 26, 36, and on and on.

God, through you, has blessed me far beyond belief!

What's in a name?

Matthew "Carter" Brown.

Where did your name come from?

Does it matter?

Of course it does!

Matthew is my brother's middle name. And Carter...well...it's just cute! If name has anything to do with character and integrity, Carter will be set with Matthew as his first name. Many of you do not know my brother personally, but let me assure you, he is one of the best around and he put the i in integrity. He is tall, he is strong, he is handsome, and he is a believer in all things family. He works hard, he talks soft, and he gives 100% in any and everything he does. Growing up, we were close, which is odd for siblings that are 6 years apart...especially considering when he was a senior in high school I was a 6th grader. Nonetheless...we had a special tie that bound us, and still do, to this very day. My brother would do anything for anybody and it only seemed fitting for my son to share his name. We don't get to see each other much because life and family keep us busy, but those short moments we do get a chance to talk, I absolutely treasure it. I can remember my brother praying for me as a little girl facing challenges that came my way. I can remember going through my teenage years and advice that he would give...most from personal experiences. I can remember he and his family being in my wedding and that will forever be a huge blessing, but the greatest thing I can ever remember him doing was hopping a plane with my dad and coming to see us in Philadelphia. I am quite sure he will NEVER know how special that was to me. He put his life on hold, just to make sure mine was going to be ok. That is how he does things- not perfectly- but selflessly- making sure everyone else is taken care of. He can give me a simple smile and a glance and in an instant all is well with the world. He is a husband and a father and I am sure Meredith, Jacob, and Macie could and would attest to how great he is. He is not perfect mind you, nor does he claim to be, but I think sometimes people just need to hear (or read) about how much they are admired for doing their best!

Gage and Carter will have a much different relationship than Chad and I did for many reasons, but several things I hope they share...a mutual love, respect, and appreciation for one another. A respect for their parents. A strong work ethic, one that was passed down to us from our own parents. A love for family, and of course a love for God. I hope that when they are grown with their own families that they too will take time to talk on the phone (or on FB) and just stay in touch.

My dad says that one of the most important things you have in life is your name. It is up to you to make that name mean something. It is also up to you to carry on the legacy of that name, or if it's not a legacy worth carrying on, that you make that name mean something. When you shake someone's hand and say "I am Horace LaFavor", it will leave a lasting impression...but it's how to you what type of lasting impression that will be.

I wonder what my name means to people. I don't want to only be known as the sarcastic one, or the one with all of the jokes, or the one who always has something to say. I want to make the "LaFavor's" and the "Brown's" proud. More than that however, I am reminded as I type, I wear another name...the name of Christ. It is my prayer that people will know that I am a Christian first, and everything else comes after that. Christian first, wife next. Christian first, mommy next. Christian first, teacher next. If I will keep that perspective, I know my attitude will improve...as will my words, thoughts, and actions.

What name do you wear, and do you wear it well?