Dear Maternity Leave...

I cannot believe that you come to an end tomorrow! Has it really been 8 weeks since I have been at school and 7 weeks since Carter was born? My how time flies. So much has happened over these past few weeks...so much joy...it's hard to take it all in. I have had some amazing visitors who have brought over some amazing food. I have also had some good visits with people I don't usually get the time-or make the time-to visit with. I have organized everything in every room and closet and even in our storage building. I have checked many things off of "to do lists" that I have had laying around forever. Maternity leave...you have been so good to me. As important as all of the above things are to me, here is what I will remember most about the weeks you allowed me to be home.

I had the perfect ending to the perfect pregnancy.

I had a precious baby who weighed 9 pounds and 4 ounces.

I was able to nurse this big boy and put aside all preconceived notions and fears.

Because of that I was able to watch him go from 9 pounds to almost 13 in just a short time.

I was able to reflect on God's grace and mercy.

I was able to pick Gage up early every day and we even played hooky a few days too!

I was able to watch Gage grow from a baby into a big boy overnight!

I was able to...on and on and on.

Tomorrow brings sadness as my time with Carter ends, but it also starts a new chapter for Gage. I will register him for "school" tomorrow. Come August he will ride with me every day and will attend the 3 year old program at Head Start at our school. How can he be old enough? I remember when I was out with him on maternity leave thinking about these times to come, and now they are here. Time truly FLIES.

I am blessed that Chris' dad and my mom will split the week so that Carter can stay home for the next few months before starting Day Care in the Fall. I know that they will all enjoy that...they will never know how much Chris and I appreciate them for this, and for all that they do.

I would not turn back the hands of time for anything in the world. Each and every stage in the life of my boys has become my favorite. The sweet cries when they are hungry or need a diaper change. The little smiles and coos when the newborn starts to fade. The legs kicking and arms flapping as they start to move around a bit. The tracking and looking for people as he knows each voice. The scooting, rolling, first foods, crawling, walking...it's all been my favorite. The reading books until we are blue in the face. The "ah ha moments" when they learn new things. The trains, the animals, the laughter, the baths, the talks, the stories, and the "Jesus songs". It is ALL my favorite. I look forward to all the new beginnings as well. I am realizing, however, that welcoming new things means letting go of old ones. It means change...something I am not great with...but something that is vital in order to live life to the fullest...the life that Jesus gave His life for.

So...tonight I say... goodbye maternity leave...hello Head Start...and thank you God for blessing our family...you continue to do more that we could ever think or imagine.

It's more than just a hair cut...

Most men don't understand why a woman would spend hours in a beauty shop. They don't understand how it could possibly cost that much money to put some "streaks" in your hair and cut, shampoo (you don't call it wash...Martha Sue Crawford would say you WASH a dog, you SHAMPOO people) and style it. They don't get why we get SOOO excited about hair day and anticipate it like Christmas. Well fellas...I can't speak for all of my lady friends...but for me it's more than just a hair cut, and my beautician is more than just a "hair lady".

Since moving to Milledgeville I have had more than my fair share of hair ladies. Some have cut it too short, some haven't cut it short enough, I have had gray highlights as well as NO highlights when I paid for them. For the most part, they have each been one hit wonders...and I wonder how they stay in business.

However...this all changed about a year ago. I went to a local salon that was highly recommended by some friends of mine from school. You will LOVE her, my friend said. She is so funny and loves to talk. She is good at hair and I guarantee you won't be disappointed. Why not, what did I have to lose?

I fell in love with Christa, at Glow salon, from hello. We formed an immediate friendship the second she said- wait what is your son's name? Was that about 3 years ago? Yep...I prayed for him!!! WHAT? Are you serious? I said girl, this miracle you prayed for will soon be sitting in your chair and I will need you cut his hair as well! The rest as they say is history! As long as she is cutting/styling hair, I will make a time (though not often enough) to sit in her chair! You see, I have learned that being a hair stylist is more than just a job, it's a calling. It's like being a teacher, a nurse, or a soldier. Sure...anyone can do it...but if you aren't called to it, you aren't going to enjoy it or be successful at it. Doing hair is an art, and each head is like a blank canvas. To a stylist, I have learned, that each head belongs to a person, and each person has a story. Whether the client is a regular, or only comes every 4-5 months, for that hour or two they have some undivided attention. That client is listened to, talked to, pampered, and made to feel beautiful. Whether they are high on life or experiencing the fat post-part-um blues, they feel beautiful for a little while. Every now and then this relationship goes a little bit deeper, and the care taker becomes the cared about...and that...in my opinion is what makes the world go around. You let me in, and I will let you in. What goes around comes around. Sometimes life is hard, sometimes things we don't like just happen, and sometimes you just want a friend to sit down in your chair so you can talk about it.

Thanks for letting me in today Christa. I love you like family and am thankful some friends recommended you to me. I always like my hair, and even more, I enjoy talking and laughing with a new friend!

After all was said and done...

11 days ago my heart did indeed grow!

There are no words to express the deep love I have for not one but TWO boys! Everyone was right. It just happens. God just does it. He gives you love for both children...immediately! What's more...not only did he give me an immediate love, he gave Gage one too! I am overwhelmed by the perfect, sweet, and innocent love Gage has for Carter!

It started out as a "normal" day. As normal as it can be with a 9 pound baby sideways and backwards and in your rib cage. Thursday (the 12th) marked my 39th week of pregnancy and a scheduled C-section for 12:30 sharp was in place. Well...it wasn't exactly 12:30. We arrived at 11:00 to find out there was "no room in the inn" and we would just wait in the OB assessment area. There they decided to go ahead and prep me for surgery. It got to be about 12:00 and my rather large self was getting anxious and irritated because time was drawing near and I was not fitting so nicely on this "bed". The nice lady comes in to tell us we have been bumped and the hope is that we will be able to go in at 2:00 due to two emergencies that had arisen with other patients. For a BREIF second, Chris and I remembered being the emergency c-section with Gage, but then we both were snapped back into the here and now when I started having contractions. WHAT? Contractions? This was going to be one of the perks of a repeat c-section...no contractions, no labor pains, etc...well, they started and continued until 3:00 when I finally got my epidural. I realize that I am a MaJoR wimp, but those things hurt! It took a while to get my epidural because of the contractions and because of the medical student who was putting it in place. Finally...all numb...ahhh much better. From behind the curtain I see smoke and ask the doctor if I want to know why it smells like burnt popcorn...Chris just smiles...and the anesthesia guy says...no ma'am, you don't want to know! So the c-section proceeds and what seems like 5 seconds later, Carter is pulled from my belly...all 9 pounds and 4 ounces and 22 inches of him. We get to see him right away...no tubes, no beeping, no heart monitors, no breathing machines...just pure God given grace...right there at our fingertips. They take Carter to get washed up and they take me to recover and before long Chris, Carter, and I are all in the recovery room together. As soon as they declare me ready for a regular room, off we go, my baby in my arms. He is not even an hour old and already I get to hold him...this must be Heaven. We get to our room and are surrounded by family and friends who will NEVER know how special it was to spend this very special time with them. My favorite time though, even more than holding Carter, was holding Gage AND Carter.

He was so proud and excited, and in an instant, he grew up.

Today, as I sit here with Carter, on our first date alone, I am in awe! I am in awe of...

-God

-family

-friends

-provisions

-perfect timing

-the human body...mainly due to nursing

-LIFE!

God, may I never get tired of singing your praises and telling others how blessed I am...

yes...blessed beyond belief!!! It's not because we deserve it, but it's because you are so good!

You are going to be a great big brother!

Dear Gage-

Hey sweet boy! You have been heavy on my mind and heart these past few days as the time draws near for Carter to come. As you know- or understand the best your little three year old mind can- he will be here on Thursday. This "knowledge" you have has contributed to some major crying fits, clinging to us every spare second, and constant worry about daddy and I "leaving" you. I am super emotional too, and to see you so upset breaks my heart. As I have talked to friend after friend they say we are both perfectly normal to be so upset. I just want you to know how excited I am about you being a big brother. Gage, you have so much to offer Carter. You have so much to teach and show him. You are such a sweet, smart, and fun loving little boy, yall will not be able to help but fall in love with each other. Long term I can envision many wrestling matches, tents being built, and spend the night parties in your room. For the here and now I can envision you holding him, feeding him his bottle, reading him books, and making sure he is well entertained. You have such a sweet spirit and I know once we make this big transition as a family, it will seem as though he has always been here.

Guess what little buddy? This is hard for me too. It's just been the three of us for over three years now. I've never had to share my time with anyone else. I've never had to juggle both juice cups and bottles. I've never had to change diapers and make sure you were making it IN the potty at the same time. I say all that to say this...your daddy and I will have to make adjustments in our "world" too. One thing I have learned though is that I will have PLENTY of love for both of you boys. I have been told that my time will be divided, but my love will be multiplied. The closer Thursday gets, the more my heart believes what my ears have been hearing. I don't think either of realize how blessed we are...think about all the people who love us and are going to help with this new phase. First and foremost is our God. He, after all, is the one who formed Carter and created his every detail. After that we have your daddy. Gage Brown, your daddy is the best there is. He loves us more than the breath he breathes and I don't know what we would do without him. If they weren't enough we have your four AMAZING grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, Church family, and friends. You and I are in the most ideal situation possible. Your Pap reminded me of this very fact this morning.

So, what do you say? Let's take a deep breath and jump! You, daddy, and me! What a team! One day at a time, moment by moment, let's all be there for each other. Gage, your daddy and I love you so very much. We are so proud of the little boy that you have become, and the big boy you are becoming. We are excited to see what God is going to do in your life, and how he is going to use you to make a difference in Carter's. We are blessed to be your parents...blessed beyond belief!

So many thoughts running through this head of mine...

Tomorrow marks my 37th week of pregnancy. I must say I am fatter, hotter, tireder, and hungrier, and more emotional than I ever was with Gage. I haven't seen my toes in quite some time, I sweat...even in the cold, I could sleep for days and still desire more, and if I eat another box of cereal they will have to rename "Lucky Charms" to something different. I was emotional with Gage, but it was a different emotional. This time it is a...

-how is my heart going to be able to love two children

-why did our health insurance have to change NOW

-do I nurse, do I pump, do I just SCREAM instead

-how rough will the recovery be for C-section number 2

-how long will I stay in the hospital

-will I get all my lesson plans finished in time

-even after Carter comes...and my body takes its "new normal" shape...will I then see my toes?

-are all the bottles/pacis/bibs, etc put in the right place

-are all of Gage's toys put in the best place for him to get them when he wants them

-will Gage take on the role of big brother quickly and love it

-and these are just a few of my DAILY thoughts...no I am not kidding.

To look at me and many times to hear me talk you may think I am a laid back, role with the punches, let the chips fall where they may kind of girl...however...that (as you can read above) is not the case. Even after everything we went through with Gage and all of the lessons I learned, I still thrive on CoNtRoL. I like to see the ins and outs, and I like the final picture...now! I like things organized and I like things my way. I have come to learn lately that this stems from insecurity and if you know me at all you also know that I don't like to admit that I have any of those. I do though, as does every man, woman, boy and girl who breathes...

Thankfully though, here enters my husband.

-how is my heart going to be able to love two children

how could it not?

-why did our health insurance have to change NOW

be thankful we have it...there are many who do not!

-do I nurse, do I pump, do I just SCREAM instead

you try your best and if it doesn't work out, we make a new plan

-how rough will the recovery be for C-section number 2

rough or easy, I will be there to help you, you will not be alone.

-how long will I stay in the hospital

we will soon find out

-will I get all my lesson plans finished in time

what doesn't get done, doesn't need to get done

-even after Carter comes...and my body takes its "new normal" shape...will I then see my toes?

I will love you no matter what

-are all the bottles/pacis/bibs, etc put in the right place

babe, you could (and will) move them ten times and ask yourself the same thing

-are all of Gage's toys put in the best place for him to get them when he wants them

he will not go without

-will Gage take on the role of big brother quickly and love it

we will work together to make him feel included...he will love being a big brother

What do women do who aren't as blessed as I am? When everything is running 90 to nothing in my head and nothing makes sense...in walks Chris Brown. He is cool, he is calm, and he is collected. He thinks through what needs to be said, but says it nonetheless. He is selfless and a very devoted family man. He reads God word and does His best to apply it in every area of his life. He doesn't know that I notice his every step, move, and word, but I do. I have since we were college sweethearts. God has brought him a long way as a spiritual leader and to Him be all the glory. Chris and I can say a lot, or say nothing but still be on the same page. We like tradition, we like routine and we like to work together as a team. I will ask the above questions 5 million more times, and will get the same responses from my sweet husband...and he may even crack a smile...but even if he doesn't one thing is for certain...I love him more than anything in this world. I love that he gives me that look when it's time to be quiet, or to be still. I love that he is fearless and confident that everything will work out. I love that he loves me no matter if I can see my toes or not. I love that Gage loves him and that he loves Gage. I love that they spend time together, and so often laugh so hard it makes my heart smile. Above all of these things though I love that God saw it fit for Chris and I to meet and fall in love a little over 9 years ago. God allowed us to find the church we found, land the jobs we did, buy the house we bought, drive the cars we drive, and make the family we have made. You see, without God all of this would be meaningless. It would just be life...but He came to give us life abundantly. He constantly blesses us far beyond what we deserve, and how dare I, pregnant or not, lose sight of what He gave up so that I could live this abundant life?

Thank you God for children, insurance, options, hospitals, jobs and "stuff" for you are God of all of these things too. Please constantly remind me of the big picture. You are God and I am not. You know all and I need to remain on a "needs to know" basis. Thank you for my husband and best friend. Thank you more than anything for your son, and my relationship with Him. Help me not to live like those who have no hope, but to walk with a confidence that only comes from you.

Two weeks from tomorrow my heart will double (as I have learned from all my facebook friends) and all of the things listed at the top of my worry list will fade away. I am excited about that day and am thankful that you are allowing Chris and I this awesome responsibility of raising another boy. You are too good to us, and we love you, and we acknowledge that all good things come from you!

34 weeks and 6 days...

It was on this night during my pregnancy with Gage that I was admitted to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. I was 3 cm dialated and 75% effaced...this little boy was coming soon. 5 weeks early. Mom and I are waiting and praying for Chris' plane to land and he's trying to get to me as fast as he can. He makes it...we have our last childless night...Gage will come tomorrow. Many of you know how the story goes...the next morning I abrupted and the doctor called for an emergency c-section. In a nutshell, Gage was born, had surgery 5 days later, recovered and grew, and 5 weeks after that we headed to Milledgeville. God performed a miracle!

My point?

Anything that happens after tomorrow morning around 7:30am will be all new for us. It's already been a whole new ball game with Carter...no plane rides, no weekly sonograms, no life or death birth defects, no...etc but after tomorrow I will be "pregnanter" than I have ever been before. That, to me, is a miracle! Chris and I were a little gun shy for a while about even having another baby, but God was sweet enough to allow us to get pregnant again. He's been sweet enough to let us stay close to home, and I know He'll be sweet enough to see us through.

Carter is breech, and we are praying that everything goes as smooth as possible with his birth, but one thing is for certain, God has gone before us, is with us, and will follow behind us! Isn't it just like our gracious and merciful God to be the same God of "normal" pregnancies that He is of "at risk" pregnancies. The God that spared, protected, and healed Gage Brown in Philadelphia is the same God who will watch over his little brother in Macon. How comforting! I sure do love our God.

Carter...come when you are ready. Your daddy, mommy, and big brother are ready to meet you. I know that God can and will handle your how and when, just know that we are anxious to hold you, smell you, give our God praises for you. These things I write about tonight, my sweet boy, reminds me that we are blessed beyond belief!

Thanksgiving...2011

This year I am: thankful to, thankful I can, thankful for (a)...

T- trust my God who has saved me and who never changes.

H- home...not just a house...a home.

A- antacids...namely Zantac...its been a lifesaver lately :)

N- new baby bedding placed in "old" baby furniture...Carter will be here soon!

K- kisses...from both of the boys in my life!

S- singing hymms to Gage every night as he falls asleep.

G- grace...period!

I- intercession...others for me, and me for others.

V- vision...thanks Andy for taking a leap of faith and starting "life groups" at SBC!

I- intelligence...that I pray leads to wisdom...and Spiritual wisdom at that!

N- nurturing environments...The Learning Safari (Gage's school) is a daily answer to prayer!

G- Gage Brown...what a blessing he is to Chris and I and to so many others!