Remembering when...

We found out you had a 50% chance to live.

  You lived.

You had a 75% chance after surgery.

  You made it through.

You had a hard time eating and gaining weight.

  You did it!

You were in the NICU for 6 weeks.

  We were so happy to come home.

You were on meds and a feeding tube.

  You pulled it out!

You had to stay away from crowded places for 6 months!

  Church was our first official outing!

You crawled, walked, and started to talk...

  You haven't been still since!

You got some books...and then some more...and then some more...

   You are a smart little boy!

You started Day Care.

  You grew, thrived, and fell in love with learning so many things!

You became a big brother.

  You have never been so proud!

And now...a new chapter begins! I can't wait to talk to you tomorrow after your first day of Head Start. I can't wait to hear all about your teachers, your new friends, all of the toys in your class, that BIG ole' playground, and what you got to eat in that lunchroom. I can't wait to look up the hall after school is over and see you-my big boy-at the end of it! I thought and dreamed about these days while feeding you in the NICU, but never knew they would come so fast. You are almost 4 years old sweet boy, and what an amazing 4 years it has been! People say that time flies, and now I know, they are not kidding! Your daddy and I could not be more proud of you. There is no doubt in our minds that you are gonna love school...if Wednesday was any indication...we are set for life! Your teachers and friends are going to make a difference in your life, and you are going to make a difference in theirs, just like you have ours. Go get em' Robert (that's my daddy's first name too) "Gage" Brown from Milledgeville, Ga!! We love you buddy, and you will always be our miracle baby!

Where are you RIGHT NOW?

Do you ever have those times when you have too much and nothing at all going on at the exact same time? School is out for the Summer yet my mind and heart spin tirelessly like I am being paid for it! That is where I am right now. I am in between a lot of thoughts about a lot of things. I am finding myself-not necessarily worried-just concerned-and in deep thought about several areas of my simple little life. If you could push pause and take a peek into my brain for any given 30 minute segment, here are some questions you may see fly by.

Who is going to pastor our church?

Hasn't SBC been through enough Lord?

Why do so many people that we love have to leave all at once? Again!

Will houses get sold, houses get bought, and everything work out for these people we love so much?

How will things turn out for my brother? Why him?

How will things turn out for my sister-in-law (my brother's wife)? Why her?

Can I really start first grade, while Gage starts Head Start, and Carter starts day care all at the same time?

Will I be able to wrap my mind around teaching first grade, after all I have never done it before?

I can think of 3 very young children right now facing life threatening illnesses...what will come of those situations? How are their families coping?

I can think of some friends at school whose mother is holding on to her sweet life by a thread...how will they handle what is to come?

In all of these thoughts, concerns, worries, whatever I choose to call them...God so faithfully whispers...Lauren...shhhhhh. Be still, sit down, and listen. Don't think. Don't talk. Don't try to do MY job. Don't plan. Don't figure. Don't ask everyone else their opinions and thoughts on these matters...just sit. Sit in silence. Sit in stillness. Concentrate on me. Let me wash over you- your mind-your body-your spirit. Now...listen.

The man that is going to pastor your church is the same man I chose for "such a time as this" before I even created the world and spun it into motion. I have it under control.

I have called SBC to big things. BIG things. Be faithful. Do what I ask. I will not lead you astray. People are leaving, I am not.

People come and go according to MY calling. Be it Ohio, North Carolina, Warner Robbins, or down the street. They come and go when I say, not when you think they should or should not.

I will supply all of their needs according to my riches! They are not worried-or concerned as you call it-nor should you be!

Your brother and sister-in-law are in my care as well. I do not desire that my children suffer, but I do desire that they seek me and find me with their whole hearts. I will reveal what needs to be revealed to them and about them when MY timing is right. You ask why them? Why not them? I have things that need to be accomplished that only they can accomplish. I want to use them in a special way to draw people to my side!

Yes, you really can begin teaching first grade while your boys begin their new school adventures. See...none of these things are a surprise to me. I allowed you to be moved to first grade. I allowed Gage to get into Head Start, and I allowed Carter a place at Day Care...I think we may have had this discussion before. As you know I keep no record of wrongs (worries) but if I did, I would be willing to bet this is not the first time you asked me that one!

My love is big enough to cover Abe, Kayden, Noah, and any other child who has an illness- life threatening or not. My grace and mercy are sufficient. YOU know that. From Philadelphia to Milledgeville- you know that! Be faithful to pray for these families as others did for you. For this too...I have a plan

Jamie and Jennifer love their momma so deeply-and I know that. I created that love in them for her. I also put in them a desire to love others, and to give and serve unconditionally, which they are so faithful to do. I also know their sweet, precious, tiny, and frail momma is so tired. She has fought and fought and fought. She will go when she is ready, and I will give them the strength they need. For them too...you need to pray!

God- you are so sweet to me. You are so sweet that in spite of my worries you have a calmness that overwhelms me. You allow me to soak up time with my boys. You allow me to enjoy the simple things in life. You allow me to see you all throughout the day. You use other people to speak to me heart and my soul. You do more than I could ever think or imagine. For these things I have mentioned above- and so much more- I give you praise for what you are going to do. I love you and thank you for loving me.

It doesn't happen often...but...today...

I broke down and CrIeD! A good, hard, tears running down and mascara streaking your face cry. Right there in the middle of my classroom. My students had gone home and my belly was full from lunch, and as I sat in silence my mind just started running...

Today was my last day as a kindergarten teacher. This is the only grade I have ever taught, and I have taught it for eight years now. I am confident that I will be fine in first grade, and love it... but for today...I cried.

Today was my last day as team leader in kindergarten. If you know me, you know that I LOVE to be in charge-or to at least think I am. I know that God has some MAJOR life lessons in store for me in the areas of humility and control...but for today...I cried.

Today it hit me that my classroom is an absolute MESS. Again, if you know me, you know that I have some major OCD issues. Color coded OCD issues. If you walked in my room right now-you know why today when I looked around-I CRIED!!!

Tomorrow will be my big boy's LAST day of Day Care. Man what a blessing The Learning Safari has been to our lives. It was an answered prayer during an uncertain time for us and we are so thankful. Although Gage has that weird September 4th birthday and will only be doing the 3 year old program at Head Start...it is still big school which in turn means he is getting big...and that makes me cry. Happy/sad tears, but tears nonetheless!

Tomorrow Gage leaves for the beach after his last day of day care. He went for a few days last year with his grandparents, but I know this year he will be more comfortable away from home and want to stay longer. He will spend the next two nights with his "Adda" in Harlem (Georgia) and then off to the beach to meet up with his "Namaw". I am so very thankful for these opportunities that he has, but you guessed it, for today, it made me CRY!

These things are not huge or life threatening, but they matter to me, and right now, to me, they seem huge. In the midst of my tears God said... Come to me. Talk to me. I want to hear all about it. Cry out to me. I care. It matters to you, it matters to me. He reminded me that He is not surprised by anything going on in my life right now...He's not even surprised that I have said "I'm fine" when on the inside I am a basket-case. He also reminded me that even though it seems blurry sometimes, HE is ultimately in control of ALL things. He gives and takes away. He guides and then provides. He equips the called, He does not call the equipped.

I do not need to look horizontally for approval, but only vertically.

He whispered these sweet things...

Teaching is simply a tool I have given you to reach children and their parents for Christ. I (God) am not limited to kindergarten and neither are you.

You have lost sight of who is ultimately in control of your life. You are not in charge-contrary to your own thought processes-and it's time you sit back for a little while and give ME back my rightful place.

Your classroom-is just a room. You will have time and you will make time to get it ready for the next group of children that I have already chosen to be under your care. They will be more concerned that your heart is right than if your red, green, yellow, and blue baskets are alphabetized and in order.

I did provide that opening for your family at the Day Care that day. I did that. I did that because I love you, but also because I love Gage. I love Him so much that I gave the life of my son. I love him so much that I made a plan for his life before he was even born. Every day when he wakes up and takes a deep breath-organs in tact-remember ME. I did that too. He is going to love his new school too because guess what? I am there too!

He is about to have the time of his life at the beach. He will have days and days of undivided attention and will love it. He will be ready to come home when its time, but until then, know that this is time he will cherish, as will his grandparents. You need the rest too. You need time with Chris and also with Carter. More than all of your boys though, you need time with me.

He whispered...Lauren, I am before all things, and in Me all things hold together. Hold your head up high, wipe those tears from your eyes, and you remember whose you are. Tighten up your boot straps and know...I love you.

Ode to The Learning Safari...

To some it’s just a “Daycare”

Where parents take their child each day

They may not realize all that their child is learning

Only that they run and play

I am thankful for so many things

About this place my child attends

He has learned so many skills and life lessons

While also making a number of friends

As most of you know Gage had a rough time

As his little life began

And for the first year of his precious life

He was cared for by family and friends

When we came to the Learning Safari

It was a Godsend there is not doubt

We prayed that there was an opening for us

And from there things just “worked out”

Ms. Wendy’s room is where it began

With Ms. Morgan and Ms. Emily too

Then off to Ms. Fran’s class he would then go

With Ms. Kijuana and Ms. Haley when he turned two.

At three years old it was to Ms. Vet’s room

I remember her from when I worked there

He grew to love Ms. Haley and Ms. Cole

and of course her ever changing hair J.

 We’d me remiss if we didn’t mention Mrs. Kim

And there is “the other Mrs. Kim” too

And the sweet ladies who care for Gage each morning

Who thought they’d NEVER quit hearing “boo-hoo”!!!

He loves each lady mentioned above

And since you know them then you know why

But I’m convinced the highlight of Gage’s every day

Was seeing Mr. Jeremy (Jer-me) pass by

How do you say goodbye to a place

That you hold so dear to your heart

How do you thank people for making such a difference

Where do you even start

There is no way you will never know

How confident Chris and I have been in your care

We do not take childcare lightly

And we are thankful for what all goes on there

From drop off and breakfast to calendar and centers

To lunch and naptime too

From potty training and learning to share

And learning to eat with a spoon

You have helped raise Gage for these first few years

And “thank you” doesn’t seem like enough

To express our deepest gratitude

Finding the right words would be tough

We will simply say goodbye for now

But we will see you again in the Fall

When baby brother Carter comes to join the Safari

And gets to experience love and care from you all!

This blog is a test...

Will it upload now?

Dear Maternity Leave...

I cannot believe that you come to an end tomorrow! Has it really been 8 weeks since I have been at school and 7 weeks since Carter was born? My how time flies. So much has happened over these past few weeks...so much joy...it's hard to take it all in. I have had some amazing visitors who have brought over some amazing food. I have also had some good visits with people I don't usually get the time-or make the time-to visit with. I have organized everything in every room and closet and even in our storage building. I have checked many things off of "to do lists" that I have had laying around forever. Maternity leave...you have been so good to me. As important as all of the above things are to me, here is what I will remember most about the weeks you allowed me to be home.

I had the perfect ending to the perfect pregnancy.

I had a precious baby who weighed 9 pounds and 4 ounces.

I was able to nurse this big boy and put aside all preconceived notions and fears.

Because of that I was able to watch him go from 9 pounds to almost 13 in just a short time.

I was able to reflect on God's grace and mercy.

I was able to pick Gage up early every day and we even played hooky a few days too!

I was able to watch Gage grow from a baby into a big boy overnight!

I was able to...on and on and on.

Tomorrow brings sadness as my time with Carter ends, but it also starts a new chapter for Gage. I will register him for "school" tomorrow. Come August he will ride with me every day and will attend the 3 year old program at Head Start at our school. How can he be old enough? I remember when I was out with him on maternity leave thinking about these times to come, and now they are here. Time truly FLIES.

I am blessed that Chris' dad and my mom will split the week so that Carter can stay home for the next few months before starting Day Care in the Fall. I know that they will all enjoy that...they will never know how much Chris and I appreciate them for this, and for all that they do.

I would not turn back the hands of time for anything in the world. Each and every stage in the life of my boys has become my favorite. The sweet cries when they are hungry or need a diaper change. The little smiles and coos when the newborn starts to fade. The legs kicking and arms flapping as they start to move around a bit. The tracking and looking for people as he knows each voice. The scooting, rolling, first foods, crawling, walking...it's all been my favorite. The reading books until we are blue in the face. The "ah ha moments" when they learn new things. The trains, the animals, the laughter, the baths, the talks, the stories, and the "Jesus songs". It is ALL my favorite. I look forward to all the new beginnings as well. I am realizing, however, that welcoming new things means letting go of old ones. It means change...something I am not great with...but something that is vital in order to live life to the fullest...the life that Jesus gave His life for.

So...tonight I say... goodbye maternity leave...hello Head Start...and thank you God for blessing our family...you continue to do more that we could ever think or imagine.

It's more than just a hair cut...

Most men don't understand why a woman would spend hours in a beauty shop. They don't understand how it could possibly cost that much money to put some "streaks" in your hair and cut, shampoo (you don't call it wash...Martha Sue Crawford would say you WASH a dog, you SHAMPOO people) and style it. They don't get why we get SOOO excited about hair day and anticipate it like Christmas. Well fellas...I can't speak for all of my lady friends...but for me it's more than just a hair cut, and my beautician is more than just a "hair lady".

Since moving to Milledgeville I have had more than my fair share of hair ladies. Some have cut it too short, some haven't cut it short enough, I have had gray highlights as well as NO highlights when I paid for them. For the most part, they have each been one hit wonders...and I wonder how they stay in business.

However...this all changed about a year ago. I went to a local salon that was highly recommended by some friends of mine from school. You will LOVE her, my friend said. She is so funny and loves to talk. She is good at hair and I guarantee you won't be disappointed. Why not, what did I have to lose?

I fell in love with Christa, at Glow salon, from hello. We formed an immediate friendship the second she said- wait what is your son's name? Was that about 3 years ago? Yep...I prayed for him!!! WHAT? Are you serious? I said girl, this miracle you prayed for will soon be sitting in your chair and I will need you cut his hair as well! The rest as they say is history! As long as she is cutting/styling hair, I will make a time (though not often enough) to sit in her chair! You see, I have learned that being a hair stylist is more than just a job, it's a calling. It's like being a teacher, a nurse, or a soldier. Sure...anyone can do it...but if you aren't called to it, you aren't going to enjoy it or be successful at it. Doing hair is an art, and each head is like a blank canvas. To a stylist, I have learned, that each head belongs to a person, and each person has a story. Whether the client is a regular, or only comes every 4-5 months, for that hour or two they have some undivided attention. That client is listened to, talked to, pampered, and made to feel beautiful. Whether they are high on life or experiencing the fat post-part-um blues, they feel beautiful for a little while. Every now and then this relationship goes a little bit deeper, and the care taker becomes the cared about...and that...in my opinion is what makes the world go around. You let me in, and I will let you in. What goes around comes around. Sometimes life is hard, sometimes things we don't like just happen, and sometimes you just want a friend to sit down in your chair so you can talk about it.

Thanks for letting me in today Christa. I love you like family and am thankful some friends recommended you to me. I always like my hair, and even more, I enjoy talking and laughing with a new friend!