We. Are. Done.

It was about year ago that Chris and I decided that we were just about done with "church". It wasn't your usual laundry list of "why I don't want to go to church". We didn't care about the carpet color, the worship music, or even that we were surrounded by hypocrites (we actually found ourselves in good company). It was basically one thing...we had lost sight of what really mattered and what church was really all about. We got BUSY and called ourselves serving. We wanted what was best for our family and called ourselves Godly examples. We said yes to everything and called ourselves involved in the local body. We became critical and bitter and called ourselves spiritual. This is not to say that we were completely in the wrong for disagreeing with some of the things that were taking place, but that blog has flown the coop and would benefit no one! Today it's not about pointing fingers, but rather about grace. God's amazing grace. It was a year ago that we said, ok God, we'll give it another try. We know you are calling us away from a place that is so near and dear to our hearts, and we need a fresh perspective. We will go.

I remember that first Sunday like it was yesterday. I cried the entire service. I looked at the simplicity around me and I cried. I listened to these people around me sing their hearts out and I cried. I heard this man in blue jeans and a t-shirt claim to be the preacher (but this could not be so, he was not in a suit and tie). I listened to his heart and looked past his attire, and my heart was softened. I looked at Chris- his happy/sad/glad/made face in tact, and I knew he felt it too. Healing. Not just a band aid...no...this was surgery. God started a work that day. He began to slowly start removing the things that had gotten us so down. God began to show us that though this is not the type of church we were raised in, this was the one He wanted us to raise our boys in. It's not a perfect place, but it's our place. It's our home. These people are our family.

It is only fitting that today, one year later, the service was focused on "worship". We are often reminded at Church Central that worship is more that songs on Sunday. It is our lifestyle. When you are a home, you worship. When you are at school (work), you worship. When you are at the store...you get the idea! Today's sermon contained words like "motive" and "priorities." The question was asked "Is your faith built on the Rock or on your circumstances?  Do we worship, or do we miss it? Are we so caught up in the "stuff" that we don't hear (or sing) the "song"? We look for "it" rather that God. The "its" will change, but HE will not. He cannot! Can we worship how BIG God is just because He's God?!? Let's let our yes be yes and our no be no. If we say no to the things that don't matter, when we say yes it will be more meaningful.

Bottom line? What have we learned during this transitional year of our lives at Church Central of Milledgeville, Ga?

1. Bring them in, build them up, send them out.

2. It's not about us!

3. Worship is not a song, it's a lifestyle.

4. Love is about loving from the inside out, not the outside in.

5. Simple. is. better.

6. Not being "in charge" has its perks!

7. Just because its not "the way we've always done it" doesn't make it wrong!

8. From Bonner Park to The Boddie Projects and from The Soup Kitchen all the way to Jamaica...God is there...and so are people from CC!

9. Discipleship...it's following Christ and taking somebody with you.

10. Life groups...that is where you live life with people, share your stories AND you serve others!

There are about 100 more things I could write here, but I will close with this...

What we long sight of a year ago...

Love God, love people!

You gotta know when to hold em'...

know when to fold em'
know when to walk away
know when to run.

Who knew that those four short little lines said so very much? My sweet, wise, precious husband quotes them often (and usually in reference to something I am facing or dealing with)!

Here is my week in a nutshell and why I wished last week a big ole' fat GOODBYE!

Dear God,
I can't!
I'm tired. Exhausted.
Life, and all of the extra stuff it brings, is kicking my butt.
I miss you.
I miss my church. I haven't been in weeks...there is ALWAYS "something".
I miss my family. Again, there is ALWAYS "something".
I miss my house. Things are so busy, I haven't seen it much lately.

So, this week, after a good ole' CRY, and lots of prayer...I quit holding "it". I folded it, I began walking, and then I RAN (figuratively, of course).

I was reminded of these truths...

I can't but HE can!
I am tired because I have been trying to operate in MY strength and not HIS!
There will always be "extra stuff", and I need to prioritize, and adopt some balance. I could also use some perspective! I need to make time for what is most important, and let the other stuff GO. If I don't, church will rock on without me, my boys will be grown, and my house will not be a home, but simply a place where we sleep. This is not the life I desire, but rather the one I refuse to call mine!

So, each day got a little better this week. Each day my "to do list" got a few things crossed off here and there.

Today, however, was the highlight! I got to spend the day with the three sweetest and most handsome boys in Milledgeville, Ga. Chris was proud we came to see him. Gage was excited to see his daddy at work. Carter, as always, was just happy to be with us! Tomorrow I get to go to church. I get to see my church family. I get another afternoon at home with my boys. As a family we get to spend time with friends at Boddie Projects...and as if God were in charge of this crazy thing called life, I have Monday OFF. A day to rest, relax, and recharge. Right on time!

All of that said to say this...my list of "life lessons" has continued to grow!

Close your eyes and breathe deep.

Only say things that will benefit those around you, and keep the rest to yourself.

 Do what you can do, and let the rest go. If it really NEEDS to get done, it will.

God is for us, not against us...often times, we are against ourselves.

God is sweet to teach us life lessons, even if they are hard ones.

I am a blessed girl...blessed FAR beyond belief!

I am the leper

I am unworthy. I am dirty (usually both inside and out). I am in need of mercy and grace...constantly!

That said...I long to be the ONE! Of the 10 lepers God healed that day, only one returned to give thanks to the God who made him clean and sealed him with the stamp of "worthy". Only one came back, unashamed, not caring what the other 9 did or thought. This "one" was not wrapped up in the lives of the other nine but rather his concern was finding "the only One" that really mattered!

That said...here is where I am right now...I'm not the one but I'm not the 9...I'm somewhere between (I believe
the word is lukewarm). I am thankful to God for all He is and all He has done, but (change of direction), lately I find myself comparing myself to the 9...

**I don't pray enough.
**I don't read the Bible enough.
**I don't cook enough.
**I hate to exercise.
**I don't love to clean.
**I stay at school way too late.
**I forget to tell Chris how great he is.
**I, at times, grow impatient with crying 2 an 5 year olds.
**I am the first to say I don't care what other people say or think but am the first to play mind games with myself and replay what that person "really" meant.

All while convincing myself I have it all together! I like to believe I have others fooled too, and some may be, but those who know me best know this is what I do. I smile and "it's fine" myself until I'm exhausted. Until I have a bad attitude. Until I snap at my sweet boys who just want to play. Until I am short with my husband. Until, until, until...I hear my pastor offer some encouragement this morning...I'm not sure his exact words, but this is what I heard.

-Be the one.
-Say "thank you, God"
-Give 100%.
-Worship in every area of your life.
-God saved us, THAT is what matters, not the 9!

So, when Jeff was done, here is what God said,

**When you pray, worship me.
**When you read, worship me.
**Whether you are making hot dogs, chicken nuggets, or "real food", worship me.
**As you "exercise" aka walk down those LONG halls at school, worship me.
**When you wipe the toliet seat with a baby wipe as opposed to a clorox wipe, worship me.
**While you work, worship me.
**When you praise Chris, you worship me.
**When you are loving on, reading to, playing with or discipling those boys, worship me.
**You worship me, I will take care of the other 9.

So, there it is. I don't usually put it out there for you to read, but writing it makes me accountable!

This week, I will try hard to be the one. 

I will also try, in all things, to worship God. He is what matters. 

He's a miracle!

September 4, 2008 Robert "Gage" Brown was born.

Our first family picture

My first time holding my sweet boy...he was several weeks old.

Get. On. The. Plane....

It happens every year...starting on August 29th...my mind runs through a play-by-play...day-by-day...detail by detail...of all the events that led up to Gage's birth. If you know me at all you have probably heard and/or read this story too many times to count. There is no way I can blog it, journal it, or tell it enough to do it justice...all the grace, mercy, and specific detail that God took the time to put in place so that we could see it was ALL for Him, by Him, about Him and to bring Him glory. I will never be able to thank Him enough...but I will spend the rest of my life trying...

June 2008- Gage was diagnosed with CDH (there was a hole in his diaphragm and his intestines, spleen, and appendix were all in his chest cavity...and his liver was not sure if it wanted to join the other misplaced organs).

Our doctor in Milledgeville referred us to a doctor in Macon, and the doctor in Macon told us about CHOP- the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. 

WHAT?

Ok...we can do this! With God all things are possible!

June 2008- we made our first trip to Philadelphia (on our first plane ride EVER)

July 2008- we made our second trip to Philadelphia

August 2008-we made our third trip to Philadelphia. This trip is when we nailed down some dates and details for "temporary relocating to Philadelphia". Gage was due on October 9th. They wanted me there no later than Monday, September 22nd.

August 25th...9:30 PM...I started bleeding...and we headed to Macon and were there through August 27...the bleeding stopped even though there was no explanation for why it started to begin with.

August 28- back to Macon...more bleeding. My doctor called Philadelphia...they said stay in Georgia and call after Labor Day weekend...wait it out and just see what happens. When (and if) I do come...it will be best to drive. My doctor in Macon said...I can't tell you what to do...but G O and go NOW!

Friday August 29- (5 years ago today) mom and I hopped a plane to Philly (yep...against medical advice...not only did we come when they said stay...we flew to boot).

Friday August 29-Tuesday September 2nd- we stayed in a hotel in Philadelphia waiting on Labor Day weekend  to pass. If we never see another Diner or another Denny's we will be just fine! I DrEaDeD calling Denise- the head nurse over all things as far as I knew- and the one who told me to stay put. After the initial SHOCK that we came anyway...she got us a room at the Ronald McDonald House in Camden, New Jersey. We couldn't get a room at the RMHouse near CHOP because the baby was not yet born. She also made us an appointment for the following day. Did I mention that I did not bleed the entire stay at the hotel, but started again the morning of my appointment??

Wednesday September 3rd- We went to our appointment. The midwife tells us that I am dilated 3 cm and 75% effaced. I, of course, have no clue what this means. She smiles and says...this baby will be here soon. WHAT???!!! Soon like I need to call Chris soon, or soon like this week? When??? We rock on for a few hours and nothing changes. They debate whether to admit me or not. They decide to go ahead and keep me, and "sure...go ahead and call you husband...we just hate for him to come for nothing". I call him...he leaves work and "packs". I call my sister-in-law. Whitney...is there ANY way you can go to my house, pack your brother, get him a plane ticket, and take him to the airport? Yes? Ok...thanks! She will never know what blessing she was, is, and will always be! Chris arrives around 9:30 PM and nothing has changed still. The midwife and doctor come in, apologize for getting him on a plane, wish us a good night sleep, and give us a run down for the morning.

Thursday September 4th...Early in the morning...I am not feeling so good. I tell mom and she calls the nurse. The nurse checks me and all is well...except not two minutes later I said...uhhh mom...I am pretty sure my water just broke. If you know Ramona LaFavor, then you know that she is the epitome of cool, calm, and collected. She lifts of the covers, smiles and simply says, I think I will just page the nurse. Well...it wasn't water...it was blood. It wasn't a little...it was a LOT! It was so much so that in less that 5 minutes they were prepping me for an emergency C-section and Chris was looking like the Michelin tire man with his white suit on. I was scared, but calm. I was unsure, but certain. God was here. He was RIGHT here. He was here in the form of doctors, nurses, my mom, and my sweet precious husband. God formed that baby with not a mistake in mind and He was gonna complete this good work he started...Gage came a few minutes later. His sweet cry of "I'm here" is all we heard. We didn't see him, hold him, touch him or look at him right away. The OB passed him on to the next group of doctors and nurses who would take him and hook him up to what seemed like a million tubes and machines to ensure that he would have EVERY chance at this precious thing we call life. We later learned it was touch-and-go but that Gage was a "fighter" and was clearly not going to give up! You got that right! 

That night the same doctor and midwife from the previous night who apologized for sending for Chris stood at my bedside in amazement without explanation of how PERFECT everything just went. They went on to tell us that had they sent me "home" that night to the Camden RMHouse and had I abrupted (that's what happened to me and why all the bleeding the previous week) in Camden (not 10 miles from CHOP) that the ambulance would not have been able to cross the bridge to get me to CHOP and I would not have been able to deliver there. 

God.is.in.every.detail.  He.does.not.miss.a.thing.

September 9th...5 short days after his birth...Gage had surgery to repair his CDH. There was not enough diaphragm there to sew it back together (imagine the opening of a balloon and sewing it shut) so they had to sew his tissue to a gortex patch and it would act as his diaphragm and as he grows this tissue will grow to the patch and it will act as part of his missing diaphragm. Amazing. Simply amazing. 

For the next 5 weeks God never stopped. He sent family. He sent friends. He sent care package after care package. He sent money, food, encouragement beyond all explanation. He put it on the hearts of SO many to pray...and that they did! We got to hold Gage several weeks after he was born. He had good days and not so good days and so did we. Chris, mom, and I...the 3 amigos...the NICU all-stars...we have some pretty amazing memories!

October 14th...5 weeks after his surgery...and 5 days after his original due date...we came home!

What an amazing journey. I hope and pray I NEVER get tired of recalling as many details as I can. I hope that Gage will one day soon see that scar across his belly and come to know the One who allowed him to live. It is our prayer that one day he can tell his story so that people will hear HIS story! I am thankful that as another August came and went it meant that was one more healthy year for Robert Gage Brown. We were surrounded by people in the NICU who were not as fortunate with the same outcome, and we pray we never forget what God has done! 

Gage will be 5 years old in a little over a week. He goes to school with me every day. He talks to anyone and everyone who will listen. He loves life. He loves to laugh. He loves to dance and "shake his booty." He loves all things trains and amimals. He can run, swing, and jump on a trampoline and his lungs don't even know that they were, at one point in time, not properly functioning. Gage is tenderhearted and yet stubborn as a mule. He appreciates routine, order, and organization (which I tend to LOVE about him). He is a great big brother and friend to Carter. He L O V E S a book and at the end of the day...wants to take his bath, snuggle up, and end his day like any other "normal" little boy. He sees a lung specialist once a year, but other than that, if you didn't see the scar, you wouldn't know anything was ever "wrong" with him. 

Lord- 

We don't know why you chose us to raise such precious boys but we thank you for entrusting us to do so. You are too good to us. You have done and continue to do more than we could ever ask or imagine. You are full of grace and mercy toward us. May we NEVER forget all that you have done for us. We thank you for blessing us FAR beyond belief!    

We love you, Chris and Lauren

40 years later...

 Sunday Thoughts...

40 years ago today my parents got married. My dad from one side of the tracks and my mom...the complete opposite. Their paths crossed at Berry College in Rome, Ga. They married the summer after their junior year. He played basketball and she was (and is) a singer and had (and has) the voice of an angel. They were both educators, as were their grandmothers before them. They gave 30 years to the Douglas County School System and I dare say when they left on their last day they were just as fresh and in love with kids as they were on day one. They have been faithful members of County Line Baptist Church as along as I can remember and have called the people there "family" since they were 22 years old. Their personalities are very different, but their roots are the exact same. You love God, you love people, and you serve others. My dad is a fisherman, yet also a fisher of men. Fishing is his tool to share Christ's love with anyone and everyone who will cast a net or read a story. My mom, she is also a fisher of men. She, however, doesn't own or care to own a fishing pole. No, she owns a little blue "cube" car and you will see her every day of her life helping the homeless people of Douglasville, Ga. She takes them breakfast, dinner, groceries, and anything else they need...all they way down to the shoes on of her feet. You will also catch her being a fisher of women on Mondays as she leads a Women's Bible Study. As you can see my brother and I grew up in what some may call "Mayberry". Both parents for 40 years, sacrificing to make sure we had everything we needed...and wanted. The epitome of a "good Baptist upbringing". Food on the table, basketball games attended, homework done together, books read every night, and on and on. But, it's more than that. It wasn't a fantasy, it wasn't that we got "lucky" and that my parents "happen to raise us right". They are not perfect, nor were they, nor will they ever be. BUT (change of direction), when things got hard, they ran to God. When things were good, they ran to God. When there were questions and concerns, they ran to God. When I was hurting as a little girl, they did not retaliate, as family we ran to our God! 5 years ago TODAY when things took a turn for Gage, as he was fighting for his life in my belly, we ran to our God. When things have been, are, and will be hard and unpredictable for Chad and his kids, we will run to our God. They have taught us that this faith has to become our own. They taught us the importance of not only going to church, but being the church. They raised us to trust God FIRST, and the rest will fall into place. No, Chad and I did not grow up in Mayberry. We did not grow up in a "better time" and around "better kids". We grew in a home. We grew up in a place where my parents took a stand and said "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord". That is why if you are looking for my brother or I today, we will be with our families in the churches that God has called us to. That is why each day we do our best (and yes, fail, but strive nonetheless) to also leave a legacy for our children. It is our hope that when our children are 37 and 31 that they will love and respect us as much as we do our parents. To love unconditionally. No strings attached. To give when there is nothing left to give.

Happy 40th mom and dad. We hope you are having a great trip. We love you dearly!

Mother's Day Thoughts...

Dear Gage and Carter-

I love you both so very much. I am proud to be your mommy. I am thankful to be a "boys mom" and would not trade a dinosaur for a hairbow, nor a Thomas train for a pair of ballet slippers for one second! 

Gage- you are God's grace in the flesh. His reminder that miracles still happen...

Carter- you are an example of God's sweet mercy. His reminder than He can be trusted...again and again.

Gage- I know that I am, at times, too protective. I also know that I have probably created and/or fed your fears by my constant "be careful buddy", "watch out buddy", etc. I am trying to give you some growing room, but it's hard. For the first 6 six weeks of your life we watched every rise and fall of your chest and prayed God would let you live. For the first year 6 months I charted every ounce of milk you drank, and counted your every poop. I am thankful God allowed you a chance at life! Not only do you live, you live hard! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for your life. I cannot promise your life will be easy, in fact I can promise you quite the opposite. However...I pray that like Nehemiah...you will be strong and steadfast and that you will not come down from the wall God calls you to build. Robert "Gage" Brown, I am proud to call you my son.

Carter- You are clearly the second child. You fall, you cry, you fill your diaper and it can wait just "one more second little man". Your daddy and I laugh constantly when you are around. Your expressions, your rough housing, your lack of all things orderly, and of course your wrestling matches with Gage. We all adore you Matthew "Carter" Brown and are thankful God sent you our way...you complete us! 

Until September 4, 2008 there had been two MAJOR times God gave me a glimpse of His love. His unconditional love. His "I gave my only son for you" love. That was the day I asked Him in my heart, and the day I married your daddy. He has since given me two more glimpses...being a mother to the two of you!

My precious boys...there are no words to describe what Mothers Day means to me. It is a day for me to remember when, to embrace today, and to anicipate tomorrow. I pray for you daily...for your protection and innocence, for your salvation, for your life decisions, and for your wives.

I love you boys...to the moon and back!

Reflection is a good thing...

Here is where I find myself tonight...

Thankful for my God, my family and friends, my church, and my job.

Thankful for my life group and the opportunity to do life together, talk about real stuff, and to grow closer because of it. Thankful for a story to share, and for people to share it with.

Thankful that God gives us all different convictions...and even more than that...as I grow up I am realizing that it's not my place to push mine on others, nor should I be offended or take it personally when and if they don't share mine. I have also learned that I am not wrong when I don't share theirs. I don't have to defend God's call on my life, I just have to live it out.

My pastor says that "We all have a wall to build". In Nehemiah, a clear picture is painted that there is a work to be done! I am thankful that I get to hammer away bright and early Monday- Friday at Putnam County Primary School. I get to love on kids that are not easy to love. I get love on kids that are. I get to watch kids have "aha moments" and I get to help those who struggle through. I also get to share Jesus with them...each and every day. Despite what is so often said, written, or assumed...as a Christian not only will I not leave God out of my classroom, I cannot...for you see...where I am, there He is also...He lives within my heart. We will pledge, we will pray, we will stand united. We will cry with the family when one of our students is diagnosed with cancer. We will visit with each other when a faculty member dies or someone in their family does. We will donate money, and we will walk for a cause. We will not stand by and become a statistic, and we will not stop building until the wall is complete!

Are you building a wall, or are you tearing one down? It is either one or the other, you cannot do both. God did not call us all to the same "job site", so let's agree to disagree and get to work. Life is too short to watch each other to see if we are doing what is "right"...let's just spur each other on to do what we are called to do.

Love God and love people...